The Beacons of My Life
60
My house of cards is about to fall.
On this tightrope juggling the balls,
I find myself wishing I could hope
for something more than a piece of rope.
Where are the dreams I knew so well?
Why is this life going to hell?
When will it end, when will it end,
when will peace find me again?
I’m lost right now, black inside.
Wishing I could just take a ride
away from everything that holds me here,
away from pain and tears and fear.
I know I can’t I must stand tall,
even with my back against that wall.
Hold my head up and hope.
Get it together, start to cope
with all the disappointment I feel.
I need to find a way to heal.
I don’t know how this funk came on.
Were all my hopes just a con,
to fool me from this ugly life,
to take from me and leave me strife.
Where did the light go, why can’t I see
all the things that make me me?
Optimism, love and hope
my usual methods to cope
have turned away and left me dark.
Could all my hope be just a lark?
Where is the love that holds me strong?
When did this happen, what went wrong?
How do I find what I have lost?
I need it now at any cost.
Why do I feel alone and cold.
How do I find happy and bold?
The way I was, just last week
before I started to feel so bleak,
when I was tall and bold and strong.
Where did it go, what went wrong?
I am not one to dwell on bad.
The way I am makes me mad.
I need to get back to myself.
Where, oh where, can I find help?
Good Lord look down on me and see,
everything I should not be.
Lift me up out of this well.
Let me listen as the bell
peals bright and clean in my soul.
Lift me, lift me from this hole,
Out of blackness into light.
I need to see what is right.
To be what I should be,
to do that which is me.
For my kids, myself and for you
I need to hold my dreams true.
I can do this with your aid,
stand up and once again be staid.
Lift up my chin, open my eyes,
shut my mouth, end these sighs.
Square my shoulders and begin again,
and realize now is not the end.
Today is the beginning of a whole new year
I will love again and cast off my fear.
With your help I will stand.
Thank you that you lent a hand,
and pulled me up when I was down,
made me smile instead of frown.
I will walk this walk called life some more,
and remember values from day of yore.
Values that will always last.
Beacons that saved me in the past.
Optimism, love and hope
will always teach me how to cope.
And so these three with me will stay
the beacons that will guide my way.
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Oh Kari, you are down in the dumps. feel for you, have some me time,gather your thoughts, life will be full again soon, promise.
K@ari, First of all I want you to know that you are definitely not alone as I, myself, have written several poems that have very much the same tone as yours. I am not just throwing out words when I say to you that I truly felt i know exactly where you are coming from having been in low periods myself and still am...the usual dark days of divorce after 25 years, stress, health issues, whatever..just know that we are essentially all in the same boat, and not just those of us here on hubpages but everyone we know..The boat just gets a little rockier for some of us on certain days and the tide gets higher...we must hold on.. and however we choose to cope with those emotions...we do need to find outlets. Mine has been writing on hubpages and so far, it's working for me.. I just had open heart surgery and am kind of young for a serious thing like that so i've been off of work and home and writing like crazy. I want you to know that I really identified with the words you wrote and It's very well written. Also, I hope that tomorrow your boats not so rocky, and it gets more calm each day. I'll be back to check on you !.. Hang in there.. i
k@ari
It's so sad to read your hub, but when I saw that you wrote three beautiful words, "Optimism, Hope and Love," I can feel it in my soul, you will come out of it with new love and hope for the future. Tomorrow is another day and who knows what it will bring. All the best.
without the bottom of a wave, we would never know the joy of its crest. beautifully written because i feel you in my whole body and soul. it's true, you are not alone... as it is always darkest before the dawn, soon the wave will rise and you'll be on top once again... thank you for this, in our human condition, it helps me realize i too, am not alone
Hi again, k@ri.
I just happened upon another beautiful piece of writing by our friend Teresa McGurk. Here is the link, if you feel like reading how it feels for others to be where you are now. http://hubpages.com/hub/How-Do-I-Go-On-When-I-Cant
Hugs, MM
Mighty Mom, Thanks for the hand and hug! Hugs back! I am very lucky to have found HubPages and all the wonderful people here. This is what gave me the strength to put my feelings in words. I know it will pass and writing this was partially to get it out.
Hawkesdream, Thanks! It's not that life isn't fun, it's just very heavy right now.
erin, Thank you for your support. I hope all is going well after your surgery. Things will get better, as you say, sometimes the tide is a little higher and the boat is a little rockier. I'm keeping my head above water, so far.
einron, These three things are my guiding lights. Thank you for your thoughts. Isn't it true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger? I will be stronger for this.
SEM Pro, No, we are not alone...sometimes we feel this way, but we never truly are. We just have to let people help, something I often have problems with. Thank you for your words and thoughts!
Mighty Mom, Thanks for the link. I went and read it. Hugs to you again! I really appreciate you!
Oh, K@ri: here is my hand, too -- wish you could really hold it for a while. I know the black, and you can't get out, and there is a filter between you and everyone's good wishes -- you know the good wishes are there, but the black won't let you FEEL their warmth and comfort.
That's why it's so unfair. Hope you find all the comfort and strength you need; this poem has great dignity and poignancy -- but what a cost.
Teresa, Thank you that you lent a hand, and pulled me up when I was down. Writing the poem was cathartic, I almost didn't publish it, I hate having a pity party. I needed the prayer I put in it to help lift me up and out...it is working. And so are everyone's kind thoughts!
I haven't felt that anyone but my family would really care, and it says much on how I feel for you all that I published this. I love easily and trust little. Letting people know that everything is not hunky-dory is pretty hard for me.
I have always had to be the one people depend on and the "strong" one. I am just having a hard time with that at the moment. I want to be weak and lean on someone. Thank you for being here and letting me lean on you for a while!
Thank you for what you said about my poem, but thank you more for the hand!
Ahhh k@ri girl, is there something in the air, or the water? hehe We all have our down days, some worse than others. Funny how we have done similar hubs so close together and most likely for different reasons, but it is still dark and painful to be there. I reach out to you with my cyber hug (((( )))) and hope you soon arise from that deep and dark hole. It's not so pleasant being there, I know. CC
ralwus, Thanks, and Giant HUGS back at you! I read your hub. It is dark and painful to be there. Maybe the reasons aren't so different. I am pretty much out of it, I think this burned it from my soul. I am back to my usual optimism and I hope you are also!
badcompany, Thanks for the hug, and I am hugging back! Now hurry up and win that lottery! New York isn't that far from here. Can I invite my sister from New Jersey?
k@ri nice hub nice poem-very
Lgali, Thank you! I glad you liked it. :D
oh Kari.....I just read your poem today.....and am flabbergasted! How your chosen words represent the thoughts of so many of us! I've been overwhelmed this week at the number of people experiencing the hopelessness state of mind. and as YOU KNOW - it passes!
Hang in there girl......our lost dreams aren't the Saving Grace, nor are the unlived dreams......but holding on to each other in love - well, that just stirs the energy inside each of us, giving hope and power to those dreams!
Life is worth every minute! Remember......everything comes to pass (especially those awful moments)
Jmell, It has passed, but thank you for your wonderful comment! I am pretty sure that as long as HubPages continues, I would never be alone. There are too many wonderful people here for that! I am very lucky to have found so many wonderful people in one place
Depicts depression perfetly. Glad the sun is back shining for you
Thanks ethel! I am very glad! It doesn't come so strong it can last more than a day or two normally. Thank goodness for writing, it seemed to burn it out of me and give me my more normal outlook! :D
I still wish I had three thousand mile arms, K@ri.
In my darkest moments, it was thoughts of the love from my children that made the difference for me. These days, I also add the love from my granddaughter, who means the world to me. I suppose it is that progression that makes life worth living.
Well, that and getting to read beautiful words, like the ones you write, that let me know that feelings like this are not peculiar to me.
Tom, You have reached me from three thousand miles! Thank you! My kids are the reason I do not have time to feel this way often, and are one of the reasons I can lift myself out of it. They deserve more.
Your granddaughter is one beautiful little girl! The love of young children is very special, I am glad you have her!
Your children are very lucky, and probably know it! That your husbands did not are their crosses to bear. Sometimes I wish I could just hold you - literally, not figuratively.
I believed feeling the wave of love I felt when I held my first child prepared me for the love I would feel for my grandchild. It was like living that again on a whole other plane!
If you think you are lucky to have children, just wait until you have a grandchild! I would love to see your face at that moment!
k@ri,
Thank you for sharing your feeling here. I can truly connect with where you were. I feel that way at times as well. I am also happy to here your optimism in the end. Thank you for sharing.
Tom, You are very sweet!
Invictus, I think we all have times when we feel hopeless and lost. It is important to keep in mind all of our blessings to counterbalance it. Thanks for your comment.
Hi k@ri, so relieved to read your mood has lifted. Welcome back to the light! MM
Mighty Mom, Thanks so much for being there for me! It's good to see the light again. :D
{{{{HUGS}}}} kari!
Even in the dark, your poetry is beautiful. But I'm happy to know you're out of that dark, lonely place.
I always admire those that don't give in and try to find a light.
Laughing Mom, Hugs back! Thank you! I'm out for the moment! Love you!
goldentoad, I have too much to do to give in...sometimes I really want to, but the kids make sure I don't. Isn't there a saying, " Don't go into the light!" Oh yea, that was an insect cartoon! LOL
So glad you weathered that one, it's such a relief when it passes. Take good care of yourself.
Teresa, Thank you so much for checking back in on me! Yes, it is gone, and I will take care. Your hand definitely helped! You take good care also! It is really wonderful to know people care. :D
I can definitely identify with the emotions contain in your "down in the dump" poem--I have had many a days like that when we don't want to make lemonade (yes, they tell us we should if life hands us lemons).
Nice job and I know you already found the answer in the strong faith that you have-- a force greater than our needs, despairs and pain--hope, love, joy. To life!
anginwu, Yes, we should make lemonade...but sometimes it is hard to find the energy! Thank you so much for your comment. Hope, Love Joy! :D
Isn't Farming fun? Kari we have all been there believe me...where there is a will, there is a way...and I know you will find both...God be with you...:O) Hugs..
G-Ma, God is always with me...it is I that is not always with him...this I know. I am here and it is good! Never have I found the support that I find here. :D
Wow interesting topic..nice one that you got...very informative one...hope to read more about your hubs...
Thanks Hammerj!
"et me listen as the bell
peals bright and clean in my soul.
Lift me, lift me from this hole,
Out of blackness into light."
Beautiful..in tragedy. In pain we often find our souls tested, stretched to the point of agony. But when the light reveals it's self to us again, it's often quite worth it.
lxxy, I agree, quite worth it. We live, we learn and if we're willing we may find the light, the one...or it may find us. :D
You are the light K@ri :)
Misha, I try to share the light, but won't claim to be it. However, thanks for the thought! :D
We all are. :)
But some (like you) manage to shine brighter than others. :)
What happened to your face btw? Why it got yellow? ;) :P
Misha, You shine very brightly yourself! Oh, and my face? Just the sun rising out of my soul, LOL. :D
LOL true dat about your sun :)
And thanks for shining. :)
Do I look as a comment ninja? ;)
Eeeek, it's Misha the comment ninja, commenting on my comment before I even commented! LOL, how did you do that, are you magic? :D
Yep, I am :P
I am just reading your mind ;)
Misha, Ooohhh, psychic...that explains it! Am I that easy to read? LOL :D
For me? Looks like an easy target today :)
For you Misha, but only for you! :D
LOL It does not come every day though :)
LOL, no not every day, but you do see me better than most. :D
I just thought i lost the tune - but no, i am still perfectly attuned to your posts, even being a few thousand miles away physically :)
It's really amazing, you know, I do not make any effort, but no matter what i do in between, I come to hubtivity right in time to see your last comment :)
Hope your having a good time! A few thousand miles is but a twinkle in the tune of the soul. :D
Looks like that :)
:D Make sure you bring back pictures to show us!
Not that I made any :)
But I probably will when kids come here. :)
LOL, but get some of the family! Family pictures are best. :D
I'll try :) And then invite you over to see. :)
OK, sounds like fun :D
See, I finally lost the tune :(
Turn that frown upside down! Seems I did too. :D
Hi K@ri :D
Hi Misha...found the tune again? :P
IDK, we'll see. Yet isn't it amazing? I swear I did not watch for your appearance :)
Amazing, yes I agree, your psychic abilities astound me! :D
I am not really sure it is anything about me, cause like I don't consciously choose to check if you posted something... :)
I often play similar games with Hope Alexander LOL
See, your in tune with the universe! :D
Ah K@ri, I soooo wish I could :)
But seriously, I am much more in tune lately than I ever was :)
You are Misha, we all are. Believing it is half the battle. :D
Believing what? I can't help but associating Mark with this word LOL
LOL, that there is a universe? =P
Umm, is there anybody who honestly thinks there is none?
Hi k@ri,
Got here late enough to know that you weathered this storm and am very happy to hear that the sun is shining a bit brighter for you now. You truly DO have a bunch of us who care about you!
Misha, Well if there is a universe and you are part of it you must be in tune with it...lol :D
Peggy, Thanks so much! I do know and I really care for you and all my other friends here also! You all are a loving a supportive group and I am very proud to be a part of us. :D
Mighty Mom 2 years ago
Oh, K@ri, My first hope is that this is just a beautiful poem about the subject of losing hope. But then I think, it would be downright impossible to write this without living the emotions behind it. So for that, I am very, very sorry to hear you are in this dark place.
As a hub, I love what you've written and need to go back and read it again for its flow and language.
As a hubber, I want to stretch out my hand like the one in your picture and proved to you that you are NOT alone. So many of us on HP have had dark days and inevitably, the HP community buoys us through them.
It def sounds like you have a strong faith and I know your God will answer your prayers. In the meantime, the foolproof way I have found to make me feel better about ANYTHING that is going on in my own life is to get out of self and be of service. I never have to look too far to find someone whose situation is worse -- usually much worse -- than mine. Hope that suggestion helps.
Here's also a big old cyber hug for you! (((k@ari))) from MM